Meet the Parents

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Meet the Parents

Working with today=92s parents can be the = toughest part=20 of a coach=92s job. But things get a whole lot easier when the ground = rules are=20 clear and everyone knows their roles.=20

By Lem Elway=20

Lem Elway is a member of the Washington State = Coaches Hall=20 of Fame. Currently Head Baseball Coach at Black Hills High School in = Turnwater,=20 Wash., he has coached several sports at the youth, middle school, high = school,=20 and college levels. His first book, The Coach's Administrative Handbook, = was=20 recently published by Coaches Choice.=20

Coaching Management, 15.1, January 2007,=20 http://www.momentummedia.com/articles/cm/cm1501/meetparents.htm=20

Dealing with parents is one of the most overlooked aspects of = coaching. From=20 the dad who questions the coach=92s methods for teaching hurdles to the = mom who=20 believes her booster club efforts should gain her daughter special = status,=20 parents rarely accept their children=92s lot in sports just because = someone says=20 so.

This generation of moms and dads wants logical explanations = for=20 every action a coach takes. They have questions about why certain = decisions are=20 made and concerns about how the coach=92s actions affect their child. = Correctly=20 handed, these situations can make for a positive experience. Handled=20 incorrectly, they can cause a lot of sleepless nights.

For many = coaches,=20 a natural first response is to tell parents not to interfere. But this = strategy=20 usually backfires. It simply makes the parents distrust the coach. = I=92ve found a=20 better solution is to make parents part of the team=92s success by = educating them=20 on their role and on the procedures for raising = questions.

Communicate=20 Roles
The first step in educating parents is delineating roles. It = helps=20 immensely when parents know their responsibilities as well as those of = the=20 athletes and coaches. These may vary depending on your particular school = and=20 support staff, but I=92ll explain how I break it down in my program as = an example.=20 (See Sidebar =93Rules on Roles=94 below for a complete list.)

The = coach=92s=20 role is to be the leader and communicator. They lead by acting = professionally at=20 all times, being good teachers, making fair rules and decisions, staying = organized, and setting a good example through their actions. As = communicators,=20 they must exhibit good listening skills, be available to athletes and = parents,=20 clearly outline rules and expectations, and be in touch with all = administrative=20 guidelines. Another constant responsibility of the coach is to reduce = all risks=20 associated with the sport and follow safety rules. And, finally, coaches = alone=20 make training and competition decisions.

The role of the parent = is to be=20 a support system for the athletes and coaches. This entails respecting = the rules=20 and decisions made by those in charge, staying positive about every = aspect of=20 the team and all of its athletes, and keeping any negative thoughts to=20 themselves. It also entails thoroughly understanding the role of the = coaches and=20 knowing not to interfere with that role.

The athlete=92s role is = to be a=20 responsible member of the team. This includes having a good attitude, = following=20 team rules, and asking questions of the coach when needed.

Be=20 Proactive
Once you=92ve outlined the responsibilities of the three = major=20 groups, you need to communicate to parents and athletes exactly what = these roles=20 are. With athletes and assistant coaches, opportunities naturally arise = to talk=20 about roles and responsibilities, but with parents, you need a more = proactive=20 plan.

The first step is accepting that parental involvement comes = with=20 the job. It is very important to make parents feel comfortable about = asking=20 questions and to provide good answers. We all know that many parents who = ask=20 questions will never be thoroughly satisfied, but as coaches, we need to = provide=20 the answers, whether or not they are accepted.

Coaches also need = to be=20 ready to justify their actions when dealing with athletes (which also = helps to=20 ensure that we are doing the right things in all situations). We need to = be=20 ready to respond to the disagreeable parent. And we need to be patient = with the=20 parent who has coached or is an active runner, and thus thinks he or she = is an=20 expert on the sport.

At the same time, we need to realize that = most=20 parents=92 experiences are very limited. Something that seems obvious to = a coach=20 may need extra explanation to a parent. In addition, parents, by nature, = have=20 tunnel vision=97they see only their child=92s needs and don=92t have the = ability to be=20 objective when dealing with a situation. It falls on the coach=92s = shoulders to=20 educate and lead parents through this experience.

Meet = Often
Being=20 proactive in dealing with parents also means opening up the lines of=20 communication from day one. I do this by setting up three or four group = meetings=20 with parents. This may seem like a lot of extra work, but it actually = reduces=20 the number of one-on-one discussions I need to have with = parents.

I start=20 with a preseason meeting for potential athletes and their parents. I = cover=20 expectations and procedures; the responsibilities of coaches, athletes, = and=20 parents (as outlined above); and my coaching philosophy. I also explain = some of=20 the details that come with participation on the team: paperwork that = parents=20 have to fill out, dates of future parents=92 meetings, procedures = athletes need to=20 follow, and meet schedules for all levels.

This is not a time = when I=20 answer many questions. Rather, it sets the tone that, as the head coach, = I am in=20 charge and these are my rules.

Periodically throughout the = season, I hold=20 more parents=92 meetings. This is a time for me to further explain = procedures or=20 address new circumstances. And, unlike the preseason meeting, it also = allows=20 parents a forum to express their concerns and give me feedback on the=20 program.

I use a printed agenda so we stay on track. The topics = change=20 depending on the time of year and what situations have arisen, but they = mostly=20 focus on what rules we have and why. For example, I might talk about our = training schedule, expectations of athletes during meets and on bus = trips, the=20 consequences of missing practices, plans for spring vacations and field = trips,=20 and my expectations of the team.

Allowing a lot of time for = parents to=20 ask questions is key. The important thing is that they don=92t feel = embarrassed to=20 ask something. I don=92t want them to have that excuse, so I try to let = them know=20 I=92m open to any and all questions. During these meetings we have the = parents=20 sign in so we know who was there and who was not. That way, if an issue = comes up=20 from one of our disruptive parents we can say, =93If it was that = important to you,=20 why didn=92t you come to one of the meetings?=94

I=92ve found = these meetings=20 clear up many of the misconceptions parents may have. Most important, = though,=20 they create an environment of openness, which most parents equate with = fairness.=20

Outline the Rules
Although these group meetings usually set = the right=20 tone and answer most parents=92 questions, a handful of very involved = parents will=20 have individual questions and concerns. They will want to talk with you, = argue=20 with you, and challenge you. And you will have to deal with them in a = positive=20 manner.

Therefore, as a smart coach, it is important to educate = parents=20 on how, when, and why to communicate with you. In addition, they need to = understand the guidelines for questioning the coach so it=92s done = professionally=20 and positively rather than as a confrontation. I=92ve found that the = more=20 guidelines I give parents on how they should communicate with me, the = better=20 these discussions go.

First, I ask them to do a little thinking. = =93If you=20 have a question or concern,=94 I tell them, =93please take the time to = think about=20 exactly what your question is.=94 Next, I ask them to follow our = athletic=20 department=92s three-step process:

1. If appropriate, talk with = your child=20 about your question. What is his or her perspective? Can your child = solve the=20 problem without your help?

2. Set up a meeting with the coach if = you=20 still have questions. This should be an informational meeting where you = ask=20 questions, listen, and have a discussion. But, emotions and language = must remain=20 professional. Remember that the coach makes decisions for the good of = the team=20 based on practice, ability, and attitude.

3. If questions remain, = set up=20 a meeting between the athletic director, the coach, and yourself. =

For=20 any of these meetings, I also explain four simple guidelines:

1.=20 Conversation must be professional with regard to both language and=20 conduct.

2. Everyone gets a chance to talk, but everyone must = listen as=20 well.

3. Emotional control by all parties is = imperative.

4.=20 Meetings are by appointment and must not occur on meet = days.

Finally, I=20 also give parents guidelines on what questions are appropriate and how = they=20 might ask them in a positive manner. For example, it=92s fine to ask = about the=20 treatment of their child. They might ask, =93What was your reasoning for = doing=20 what you did in this situation involving my child?=94 or =93Were there = any=20 situations or conditions that led up to this?=94

They are also = welcome to=20 ask about how their child can improve. I give them examples about how to = best=20 phrase these questions:

=95 =93Does my child work hard and have = a positive=20 attitude at practice?=94

=95 =93What areas does he need to = improve=20 in?=94

=95 =93Do you have some suggestions we could use to make = these=20 improvements?=94

Asking about their child=92s behavior or = attitude is also=20 acceptable. They may ask, =93Is my child a positive addition to the = team?=94 or =93Is=20 there something I can do to help you?=94

Working with and = educating parents=20 is an ongoing process and must be done in a proactive manner. Coaches = must=20 encourage communication and make the process comfortable and positive = for=20 everyone. Being questioned in a forthright manner can be a growing = process for a=20 coach, so don=92t shy away from it.

Sidebar: Rules on = Roles
A great=20 way to get parents to become positive members of your support system is = to get=20 them to understand their role, as well as the role of the coaches and = the=20 athletes. In no particular order, here is how I outline responsibilities = for my=20 athletes=92 parents:

COACHES=92 ROLES:
1. Set a good example = for athletes=20 and fans to follow.
2. Be positive, fair, and consistent with the=20 athletes.
3. Make decisions with thought and care.
4. Establish = and=20 organize practice for the team on a daily basis.
5. Be a good = communicator=20 with athletes and parents.
6. Protect the safety of all = athletes.
7. Know=20 and employ injury-prevention procedures.
8. Make sure athletes know=20 expectations, procedures, rules, and lettering requirements for the=20 program.
9. Make sure everyone has practice and meet = schedules.
10. Be a=20 professional practitioner in dealing with situations in the sport and = stay=20 current with training techniques.
11. Keep inventory of = equipment.
12.=20 Work to help assistants improve.
13. Keep track of the academic = progress of=20 athletes.
14. Be available to talk with athletes and = parents.

PARENTS=92=20 ROLES:
1. Be a fan of everyone on the team.
2. Respect the = coaches=92=20 decisions.
3. Respect other fans, coaches, and athletes.
4. Talk = to their=20 child if they have any questions and, if they still have questions, = contact the=20 coach through agreed-upon athletic department procedures.
5. Don=92t = poison the=20 water toward a coach, the program, or teammates by your = conversation.
6.=20 Don=92t talk to coaches on meet day about a complaint.
7. Understand = that the=20 coaches=92 responsibility is to make certain that students are safe and = become=20 better people and athletes, not to win every meet.
8. Be supportive = of their=20 child.

ATHLETES=92 ROLES:
1. Be positive and have a good = attitude.
2.=20 Support their teammates.
3. Work hard at practices.
4. If they = have any=20 questions, ask the coach.
5. Know and follow school and team = rules.
6.=20 Challenge themselves as athletes and as people.
7. Meet classroom=20 expectations.
8. Notify the coach of any scheduling conflicts in=20 advance.
9. Talk to the coach about any special concerns about = philosophy or=20 expectations